


Whatever It Takes

by MissMouse1421



Series: Season 13 Codas [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, Angst, Coda, Comforting Castiel, Emotionally Unstable Dean Winchester, Episode: s13e21 Beat the Devil, Hugs, Kissing, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-04 05:38:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14586129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMouse1421/pseuds/MissMouse1421
Summary: I wrote this when the episode aired but never got around to posting it. Better late than never I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯I really need Dean to realize his own worth before this damn show ends. Watching him throw away his life so easily hurts in the worst possible way :(Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Supernatural, obviously.





	Whatever It Takes

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when the episode aired but never got around to posting it. Better late than never I guess ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> I really need Dean to realize his own worth before this damn show ends. Watching him throw away his life so easily hurts in the worst possible way :(
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Supernatural, obviously.

After everything that had happened in the last few hours, Dean needed to take a breather. Mostly due to the fact that he still couldn't actually _breathe._  Between finding his mother and the kid, Sam having his throat ripped out right in front of their eyes, and Lucifer of all people being the one to bring him back... Dean needed to take a minute for himself. 

Once he was sure Sam was safe with their mother and actually still _alive,_ Dean slipped away from the group under the charade that he was going to refill their water bottles. Dean's entire body was in over drive, elation and crippling grief destabilizing him as he stumbled to the edge of a nearby stream. The hunter collapsed to his knees, his stomach churning violently as he cupped his hands in the gently moving rapids and swallowed three large gulps of water. He was miraculously able to keep the contents of his stomach inside of his body, but every other part of him was completely fried. 

Sam had died. Sam _was_ dead. Dean had watched his little brother die and then _left him there._ All because of—

"Dean?"

Dean's thoughts were interrupted by the very person he was just about to think of. He wasn't surprised Cas followed him. He wasn't even upset the angel could sense his impending meltdown and felt the need to check on him. What irked him was the distance Castiel had purposely left between them. _Coward_ a nasty voice in Dean's head sneered. If the angel was bold enough to follow Dean in the state he was currently in, the least he could do is have the guts to look him in the eye.

Dean was still on his knees, his fingernails scraping helplessly at the loose dirt by his sides. The hunter took slow deep breaths when he started to feel overwhelmed by the angel's heavy presence behind him. He didn't look back, even when Castiel quietly began speaking to him.

"I checked over Sam. He's going to be fine."

 _When are we ever fine_? _Nothing will ever be **fine**._

"No thanks to you," Dean snarled back, his voice raw with emotion. A moment of silence passed between them. Dean could practically feel the guilt radiating off of Castiel as he apologized in a deflated tone.

"I'm sorry," he said, sounding hesitant yet sincere.

Dean felt bile rise up in his throat and fought to keep it down by swallowing. "You're _sorry_?" 

"Yes. For what happened back in that tunnel... I am sorry. You have every right to be mad at me for that." The aura around Castiel suddenly changed, Dean could feel it like a chill crawling up his back. Dean could hear the set of his jaw and could picture the fierceness in his piercing azure blue eyes. "But I will not apologize for keeping you alive. You cannot ask that of me."

Gathering what little strength he had left, Dean pushed himself onto his feet and turned to face the angel. Castiel stood rigid only a few steps away from him. His eyes held a deep sadness, and possibly even more infuriating, genuine concern for Dean's emotional state.

"You made me leave my brother." Dean's voice was sharp like the cool blade of a razor slicing through skin and flesh. He said it like a threat. But Castiel didn't flinch. In fact, he didn't appear to be shaken by it at all.

Dean quickly realized the angel was willing to fight him on this one. Usually when Dean lost his temper and went off on him, Cas would just stand there and take it. He'd let Dean get it all out to the point of exhausting himself, and only then would Castiel calmly explain his side of the story.

Right now, Cas looked ready to let Dean have it. Maybe because this wasn't just another argument. This was about Sam, someone they both loved. And Dean was essentially blaming Castiel for his death. Or at the very least for dragging him away. The angel couldn't afford to carry that guilt on his shoulders. That kind of weight had the potential to drown him completely in a bottomless sea of failures that kept choking him no matter how hard he gasped for air. Self-preservation was all he had left.  

"Leaving him behind was _your_ _choice_ ," Castiel stated with a slight edge to his voice, teetering on frustration and anger and something else Dean couldn't identify. "I didn't make you do anything."

It took Dean a painfully long second to realize Castiel wasn't passing the blame onto him, he just wanted Dean to understand his own actions and realize that it wasn't as black and white as _you made me leave my brother._  And somewhere in the back of Dean's mind he knew it—knew it wasn't fair to blame Cas, knew that his split second decision to walk away would haunt him forever—but they were alone and Cas was standing right in front of him and he couldn't make himself  _stop_. "So you're telling me if I had pushed it and gone after him, you wouldn't have dragged my ass out of there by force?" 

"No. Of course not. I would have gone with you and then we'd all be dead! Including those two survivors you were trying to save. I wasn't willing to let that happen. And clearly you weren't either."

There was no shortage of cruel remarks swirling around in Dean's subconscious to toss back in the angel's face, but every time he tried to focus on one his knees would start to buckle and remind him how tired he was. "I can't— I can't calm down, Cas. I'm still shaking." The angel's expression softened and he took a tentative step towards the hunter. Dean let him.

"I know. And if you need to pick a fight with me, so be it. I can take the hit."

Dean's mouth twisted into a grimace as he forced himself to look away. He seemed physically pained by the angel's words. "Jesus, Cas. Don't say that shit to me right now." 

Castiel was clearly confused. "Why not?" 

Dean closed his eyes. "Cuz I might actually hit you and that's not what I want."

_I don't ever want to hurt you again..._

Castiel moved closer. "What do you want? What can I do?"

Tears stung at the corners of Dean's eyes. "I want to stop fucking shaking."

And suddenly Castiel was closing the distance between them. Dean found himself wrapped up in a tight hug. His arms hung loosely by his sides while Castiel's left hand pressed firmly into his back and the right cupped the back of his neck, gently stroking his fingers through the short hairs residing there. After a quick glance around purely out of habit, Dean gave into the comforting embrace and dropped his forehead onto the angel's shoulder. He felt too drained to do anything more.

"...Didn't mean it," Dean mumbled into the trench coat after a moment of tense silence washed over them. "Wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't yours either," Castiel murmured back.

_I wish that were true._

"Dean, look at me." Castiel didn't give Dean much of a choice when two large hands cupped Dean's cheeks and brought him back up to eye level. "You once told me that we're better together. And I choose to believe in that. That's why I have faith we are going to make it through this. All of us. You, me, Sam, Mary, and Jack. We're all together now. I know we can do this."

Dean desperately wanted to let Castiel's words heal every part of him that felt utterly broken right now, but all he could think about was what happened the last time they thought they were going to win. 

The people he _lost_.

Dean watched the man he loved die at his feet and was helpless to stop it. Today he watched his brother get ripped apart by vampires and again was helpless to stop it. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't watch another person he cares about die. He needed to stop being so  _weak_.

In a desperate attempt to stop the hellish downward spiral of his thoughts into self-loathing and deprecation, Dean leaned in and sealed his lips to Castiel's. The angel responded by holding him even tighter, trying to transfer every bit of reassurance that he could through their kiss. And for a fleeting moment Dean let himself believe in it. But the truth was they didn't know what was coming next. All Dean knew for sure was that he needed to protect his family. Even if it meant sacrificing himself. He would take on that role and be their shield. He would selflessly give up any future moments of happiness with his angel if it meant they would all make it out of this war in one piece.

As long as the people he loved were alive, Dean served his purpose. As long as they were alive, his job was done.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.


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